


When It's All Over

by DaydreamDestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A confession and pain, Angst, Coda, Episode: s15e18 Despair, M/M, just pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:02:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaydreamDestiel/pseuds/DaydreamDestiel
Summary: Y'all, if you want more heartbreak after the ep, this is your coda. I'm sorry not sorry I'm a monster.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 40
Kudos: 172





	When It's All Over

The wall is cold against Dean's back. The floor ice. His wet face burns red hot, but he hardly feels it; Cas is gone.

Not gone.

Dead.

The son of a—

Dean can't finish the thought. He chokes on spit and snot, and he sobs. He can't do anything but sit there and stare into space; horror and anguish rolling over him in awful, retched waves, brutalizing him with the truth. His heart thumps a sluggish slam against his ribcage, and the world doesn't make sense.

Cas is dead.

Cas… Cas looked him right in the face with those intense blue eyes watering, beautiful and beatific with an emotion Dean hardly recognized aimed at him. And he'd said it. Those three words Dean never lets himself think. Never lets himself imagine Cas feels. Not that way. Not the way Dean does. But it was all there on his face.

"I love you," he'd said, and Dean's heart stopped. For a precious moment his world narrowed down. It didn't matter that Death was on the doorstep, that Cas was plunking down a Hail Mary, sacrificing himself. Because this was it.

This was them. Just them.

And Dean like the coward he is, that he always is, he just stared. Just basked. Only for a second, but it was too long.

And then it was over.

He can't breathe. Can't catch his breath. Can't think for wanting so badly. Cas thought Dean wouldn't love him back. He plays it over and over in his mind, ignoring the buzz of his phone. Ignoring Sam's call. He can't. He can't do this. Doesn't know how.

Cas thought—Cas thought—

Dean's breath hitches and he lets it out in a grunt. "Goddamnit," he growls, throwing his phone across the room, listening to it smash against concrete, but it doesn't satisfy the agonizing twist in his chest, the cavernous dark hollow swallowing him whole. "Goddamnit."

He keeps remembering how Cas thought he was the one thing he couldn't have. And he wishes he told him. He wishes he'd said it back. He wants him to know. Wants Cas to have that at least. He deserves that. He deserves more. And he didn't get it. Because Dean didn't give it to him.

It's too late now, and he can't stop crying. This is the thing that breaks him. This is the thing that wrecks him. He's been here before, but not like this. Not knowing what he knows, and knowing how it could've been.

It's pathetic, the way it comes out of him in a whisper that tears out of his throat, bleeding into the air of the bunker, "I love you too, Cas."

But it's too late to matter. No one's there to hear it except Dean. He shuts down.

**Author's Note:**

> If you need a pick me up after this check out literally almost any other fic I've written. They're all pretty much happy ends except this one 🙃


End file.
